Truly. It is. I can think of few things more horrifying than staring into the depths of my own being and finding the truth about myself looking back. It ranks up there somewhere with losing someone I care about, and buses. (Don’t ask.)
But, now’s as good a time as any to face that fear. I’m finding that people are sort of like any sort of body of water. Turmoil, even of the worst kind, stirs up all of the things that have been lurking at the bottom, safely beneath our sight or recognition, but suddenly brought to the surface, ready to be examined. So, in times of emotional turmoil, I have the largest amount of material to sift through.
There is one thing that I keep coming back to as I sit here staring at this computer screen. It’s a conversation I had with a friend of mine the other night, where I told him that people think that holding on to something is the hardest thing we have to do, but that in my experience, I’ve found that letting go is so much harder and requires much more strength. This trend has been popping up in my life over and over again. No matter what it is that people put me through, no matter how hopeless a situation or a friendship, I can’t seem to let go of them. And the more something hurts me, the easier it is to hold onto it.
The problem is that then I’m left with scars and burns that deform who I am, and who I want to be. I lose the trust that once came so easily with others who have never hurt me. But I still can’t let go of the origination of all this bleeding. I hold good people at arms length, but cling to those who inflict the most damage.
In some ways, there are good aspects of this. My loyalty, for one thing. But I keep making the same mistake, not learning how to open my hands up and let go of the things I want to keep, but were never really mine to hold onto in the first place.
Letting go was never high on the list of my strengths. Maybe it never will be. As I said in my last post, I’m not going to begin a crusade against my own weaknesses. I’m not trying to revolutionize myself— I’m trying to understand myself, and let the change come naturally. And maybe, along the way, I’ll come to accept these things about myself, and find a way to turn them into something good, rather than eradicate them altogether.